I’m not exactly sure how I got here. Or exactly when I realized I arrived at this point.
It’s that point you get to when you haven’t given up…but you realize where you wanted to be and who you wanted to be and the places you wanted to see and travel to-the things you wanted to do, just aren’t going to happen. And then coping with that. That is where I am.
I feel so torn. I’ve come so far and so close to things I want to do with my life and where I want to be, but it’s like I’m stuck under a sheet of ice-just beneath the surface. Right above me, fresh air. My dreams.
They seem so close and yet so impossible.
I guess I’m just venting. I don’t think I do that enough anymore. I don’t “talk”. I mean…I do but when I speak to him, there’s so much guilt. He loves where his career is. His career is part of the problem. It hinders the future we had planned. And when I vent…instead of understanding, I am made to feel guilty, that I “don’t understand how this job works”.
And…that seems to be how a lot of things between us are lately. And, that’s so difficult.
My dream wasn’t working a 50+ hour per week job that barely pays the bills. Granted it is a passion-filled dream-half the time. The other half is extreme work conditions and very little time to have a life outside.
I guess I always dreamed that place would be a small cottage someplace away from the city. A place where I could focus on my art and designs. And a place where our children could have adventures between the trees that line the yard.-and we’d be home to watch them.
That was a dream we shared before we got married.
There are days I wake up and lie in bed just wondering where I would be, if I had taken a different path. But I never want to lose him. Ever.
So I roll over and push through another day.
And now…I’m stuck wondering what I want to do now.
It’s Autumn and there’s only one year left to decide how we will make our future work with this current path. This one he is fighting to hold on to. This current path that seems to be taking me further away from my dreams.